Beer and Anti-Paxil
Fri Oct 01, 2004 at 08:06:43 PM EST
So I hopped into the jalopy and cruised down to Boone's. The band was already playing.
I drank a beer or two, said “hi” to a few folks and shook a few hands, and wound up on the bus when the band took a break. Levi turned on the stereo. They have a killer stereo in there, a Panasonic DVD player underneath a TV set on top of the same type of speakers they have on stage. I often donate CDs to the bus, and last night the Presence CD I had ripped from vinyl was playing.
The party had moved out to the bus, which was almost full. Someone produced a bowl, and, um, I forgot what happened. Anyway, the bus then emptied after everyone's beers did, and we all went inside to refresh our mugs.
Nobody from the band (at least that I noticed) was on the bus with us. So, I notice that Joe got in the bus with a couple of attractive ladies after everyone else had vacated it. I hadn't talked to Joe in a couple of weeks...
OK, shit, you got me. I wanted to meet the women. Joe's engaged, maybe I could get both of the ladies?
I get on and sit down, Joe says “hi”. He's showing the ladies around the Posabus. The Zepplin had stopped. We're just making conversation, and I mentioned that whenever Posamist plays it's a party. One of the ladies, holding a pen and a small pad, asks “can I quote you on that?”
“She's with the State Journal Register,” Joe said. “Aw, come on,” she pesters. She wants my last name (Joe had introduced me just as “Steve”).
I finally relented. Damn, now I guess I'm going to be in the newspaper.
I drank one more beer and went home.
I drove down to visit friends yesterday, and as I got out of the car in Cahokia my phone rang. It was Evil-X.
“I just got a thing in the mail saying I have to go to court! What's going on here,” it demanded. “Oh,” I replied. “You're going to pay child support!”
“Oh no I'm not! It says in the divorce settlement.” I smiled a huge grin. “See you in court, bitch.” And I hung up on her.
I went inside and visited with Jeff and his girlfriend and her daughter, who was playing the original Wolfenstein on Jeff's primitive computer.
We chatted a while, and I drove out in the boonies to Brett's house, where Mike the pig farmer was partying. Only when I got there, nobody was partying. They were all on the roof, laying shingles.
One of them came down and rolled. As we were waiting for everyone else to get off the roof and join us, my phone rang again. Somebody fired up a big circular saw, I walked back outside. It was my daughter Patty.
She was livid. Her mother had called her crying, and Patty insisted that I not pursue child support, citing her mother's poverty.
She threatened to move in with her sister. X had won again, using one of her favorite weapons, my children. I walked back in. I'd missed half of the doobie.
Bret gave me a beer, and everybody but Mike went back up on the roof to finish nailing. It's amazing how fast a man can work with air hammers and other power tools. I can only imagine what it was like building the house I lost, built with hand saws and hand drills and no such thing as a power tool at all. It boggles my mind, and houses were built that way for millennia.
“What's wrong?” Mike asked. I told him about the conversation,
“That's bullshit!” he said, perturbed himself. “If she was living with her mom you know you’d be paying out of your ass!” And he was right.
We went back to Jeff’s. Jeff and his girlfriend also told me I was crazy if I was going to let X win this round.
I started driving up 55, my whole day had been shot. I was angry and blue. The two emotions fought for control.
Halfway home the phone rang. It was Patty again. “Where are you?” she demanded.
“I'm halfway home. And before I hang up on you, you never cared much about my tears, when I couldn't stop your mom's insurance payments for that brand new car to come out of my paycheck when I was walking everywhere. And you didn't mind my tears when she got part of my pension. I'm going to be dirt poor when I retire, but THAT doesn't bother you. For the first time in my life I wish I'd never had kids.”
And I hung up. I shouldn't have said that, but I was uncontrollably livid. True though it was at the time, it was a thing I regretted instantly; both saying it, but more so the truth of it.
Once again, the kids would help the slut have her way. And I was just damned sick of it.
I called her cell when I got home. “Where are you?”
“I'm at Mom's house.”
“Yeah, well tell her if she doesn't want to pay child support she damned well better go in front of a judge and work out a deal where she stays out of my pension!!”
I went downtown and got a sandwich, and to Dempsey's for a beer. No band tonight, but I didn't much feel like partying anyway. I bent Rier's mom's ear for a while, and went home after the one beer. I was in bed by 10:30.
Patty came home about six. I thought she'd stayed at her mom's. Nope, she had been with a friend whose parents had divorced and had gone through something similar.
I guess all women are evil bitches who will use their children no matter how much it hurts them.
I argued with Patty for quite a while, She went to her room and I made coffee.
Life sucks. I hate that I ever took any Paxil, because life now seems empty, meaningless, with all my good days behind me and few days ahead, either good or bad. Don't ever take an antidepressant unless you plan on continuing with them until you die. I've never in my life thought of suicide, until this morning, when it fleetingly crossed my mind.
It's not going to happen, but if the thought could cross my mind, it would be enough to end it for others. Beware these drugs!