420 File Not Found Sorry, man, it's been dry lately January Nooze ************** Last Month Nooze.org is not real Sources insist that there is a brand new website called nooze.org. These rumors are completely unfounded, there is no website named nooze.org. Any reports you have heard that such a site exists are from blatant nonsense mongers whose mothers didn't love them. Donald Trump told me so, he and George Santos. Perhaps you meant Nudes? 01/01/2024 Global Warming efforts died Last night the world's leaders, in accordance with the climate summit held by oil producers last month, attempted to scare off the climate change monster by setting the world on fire city by city, starting in the nation of Kiribati and ending east of there twenty four hours (almost) later. Readings indicated that rather than scaring climate change away, it fed on all of the fire works and actually grew, poorly illustrated in this photo somebody took of the carnage. To the chagrin of climate scientists, the worlds governments, who never listen to them ("because the economy, ya know, and my cushy job...") are planning to fight climate change by burning more fossils in the hopes of giving climate change a coronary. 01/02/2024 Something about a Nazi Space Nazi Elon Musk showed off his latest $100,000 knockoff of the $40,000 Hyundai EV, called the Cyberfuk with its really strange Nazi trunk. Some mistakenly call it a pickup truck. It has been reported elsewhere that Musk is a Martian who was trying to drive back to his native land in 2018 in one of his Nazimobiles perched on top of his Fuggin Hevvie rocket back in the dark ages before the pandemic gave the billionaires an excuse to raise prices. In fact, rather than Mars, which is actually a street in Springfield, IL close to the airport, Musk was hatched in apartheid South Africa and when Black people were seen as human there, he and his mother hauled ass the way out of there. And not just the ass, they had a goat and a couple of chickens and several hundred million dollars; Musk was born poor, as he says. The latest Nazimobile was once called a Watafugizat. 01/02/2024 Godzilla Awakens After the historic New Year's Day earthquake in Japan, scientists yesterday didn't report that the entity the Japanese call Godzilla awoke from its slumber New Year's Eve to take a piss. He's getting a little long in the tooth, you know. 01/03/2024 Republicans Visit the Border Yesterday, after failing to come up with a sufficiently cruel, stupid, and inhuman border law, House Republicans, including the Sneaker of the House Dick Johnson (Sneaker Johnson's parents were Chinese immigrants who had their family name changed from Suk to Johnson and changed his first name because Wang is vulgar), decided to travel to the border and fix the broken down junker with sheer muscle rather than using their puny brains to actually solve the problem. When the clueless, mentally challenged crooks return to DC, rather than write legislation to fix the problem, they have decided to Impeach the head of the Department of Homeland Security for not being sufficiently heartless and not kissing their future king, Donald Trump's, ass. They are reportedly working on a new law that makes joining the Democratic Party a felony. 01/05/2024 Traitorous Valor for Dummies American traitors today celebrated the twin celebrations of Coup Attempt Day and Hang Mike Pence Day, when thousands of brave cowards stormed the House of Representatives in the stupid belief that despite all evidence to the contrary, their cult leader Donald Trump won the 2020 election. Mr. Trump is widely heralded as history's greatest fraudster. 01/06/2024 OOPS! The Gray time alien from the year 6571235, Rority, visited 2024 next week with an apology for the mistake his partner, Gumal made in 2023 that resulted in Donald Trump being elected this year. "That was a major screwup, they should have sent someone older. If you don't see me before New Years, it means the world ended some time in your future." Richard Nixon, staff writer for the New York Times, asked about the disparity of the year. "That's only six million years. You said you were from ten million years in the future," he said, putting his pen and pad away. "That's what clued the methemeticians," the alien replied, "the year 6571235 is when humans became fully sentient. Forty two to the power of four point two is six million, five hunderd seventy one thousand, two hundred ninety five. Sometime in late spring. But thanks to Gumal's monumental mistake, if I can't fix this I'll never be born. He then vanished, not even with a noise or a puff of smoke or a flash or anything they would have on TV. "I need to cut down on the weed," the Times reporter reportedly said. Someone in the room said "shit, stratodoober" before a manilla volder disappeared like the alien had. No one admitted to knowing what a "stratodoober" was. 01/07/2024 Ham Ass can't escape Nutty Yahoo's BFG Yesterday, Whitey Herzog, president of Israel, insisted that their genocide of Gaza was only aimed at Ham Ass, churches, mosques, and other national treasures that have stood for thousands of years. Prime minister Nutty Yahoo added "We will not harm civilians, only Ham Ass." When he was asked about the over twenty thousand dead, mostly women and children, he replied "All of Gaza is Ham Ass." 01/08/2024 Boing! Boing! Thud... The Boing! aircraft manufacturer, often misspelled as "Boeing", suffered from yet another of their patented "Fookoops". Luckily for Boing!, unlike the last two "fookoops" a year or so ago that killed hundreds of people in the most horrible way it's possible to die, nobody died. They just had the shit scared out of them. The airline plans to bill the passengers for the thrill ride, especially the kid whose shirt was sucked off. Leading experts have not yet said that the loose or missing bolts on the door-sized part of the plane that blew out were caused by Boing! engineers, technicians, other serfs, and the Bored [sic?] of Directors didn't give a "flying fook", as that model of death machine is called. It was suggested that rather than "Black lives matter" their motto is "no lives matter, only profit matters." 01/09/2024 King Donald insists he is above the law Former President and possible future federal prisoner Donald tRump was in federal court yesterday, his lawyers insisting that presidents can't be convicted of crimes because of, er... something, despite taking an oath to uphold the law and Constitution. At any rate, the judge asked "You mean if he told Seal Team Four and a Half to kill Elon Musk and take possession of all of his properties in his name, he couldn't be prosecuted?" His lawyers replied, "Would Putin's court ever convict him of war crimes? Of course not!" 01/10/2024 Typos bit the dust Word from ICAAN and ICAANT are that there is, in fact, a new domain named nooze.org. The above named organizations apologize for the typoo. 01/04/2024 OOPS... We opologize for the typographical error in yesterday's post. The correct spelling is "Alphonse Capone". We apologize for the typoo. 01/11/2024 De Bait Last night, former Central Carolina Governor Santa Clause Haley and Florid Governor Rhonda Santos (America's first transgender governor) spent part of the evening phishing for votes, or catfish, or maybe those invasive Chinese fish that fly into your boat. Okay, they're fishing for a spot in future King Donald's court, or perhaps to be The Donald's new queen. After threatening to blow up the theater, Future King Pinnochio was heard to say "but I didn't DO anything!" 01/11/2024 The rumors are incorrect Recent rumors have indicated that the fats food joint Hardley Hamburgers intends to sue The Nooze for trademark infringement for using its trademarked crooked star in the middle of The Nooze's... uh, whatever you call that thing at the top of the page, because it has the same crooked star as Hardly's! However, although they had at first intended to sue, they realized that their star leaned to the left (from its point of view, obviously wrong), while The Nooze star is simply standing on its head jeering at the hapless hamburger joint. Speaking of joints, the Joint Chief of Staff does not imbibe in cannibis, as it makes one peaceful, and you just can't have that shit in a warrier, can you? 01/12/2024 Hoo These? foiled again The Who, These? terrorist group located in the country of Yeah, Man! should learn not to mess with gangs, especially when he's a skinny little loser. They have been shooting rockets at commercial shipping at the Sue Is Canal before the rest of the world had enough of their childifh nonsense and kicked the shit out of them. One of the Who, These? remarked "Fucking shit, I need a cigarette!" 01/12/2024 Apologies for the error... Yesterday we mentioned the Who, These? shooting at boats carrying junk for you to buy through the Sue Is Canal. We have determined that it's nowhere near the Sue Is Canal, just on the way there. They are actually in the Republican Sea, formarly called the Communist Sea before the Republicans confiscated that color. In related nooze, the lights formerly known as "stop lights" will be called "Republights". Green lights will continue to honor the environment by letting you spew toxins while actually moving. 01/14/2024 Hell Freezes Over Many of Satan's minions were in Hell, Iowa for the Republican caulk us today, and with temperatures so cold they're the same in farenheight and celcius, you need good caulking. Most people just use caulk on the windows. Speaking of Windows, their last "update" made File Manager almost unuseable in Windows 10 (it's a feature, not a bug, they want you to use Windoze 11) and completely disabled Bluetooth in Windows 11, probably bevause they were sick of Christmas music. All of the Republicans except Future King Donald were there, vying to be his Assistant King or possibly, in the case of Rhonda Santos, his Queem. 01/15/2024 Satan wins Iowa Of course, every single candidate was one of Satan's minions. And of course, one of Satan's darlings who he loves more than anybody but Poot in, Kim Junk Ooooon, Nutty Yahoo, and Sin War: the future King Donald. The contest was his to lose, and despite all his efforts, he didn't. Vying for Assistant Plutocratic Autarch were Little Nicky (Satan's goofy son) and the transgender governor of Florid, Rhonda Santos. "I couldn't have beaten Satan's son without my brother, George," she reportedly didn't say. The Demo Crap just sat back and laughed at the clowns. 01/16/2024 Where's Walter? We sure could use Mr. Cronkite today, because all of today's journalists are brain dead stupid. All of them are wondering why all of the secrecy around the Secretary of Defense making an emergency visit to the hospital. Should I tell them that we just might not want our enemies to know that the Secretary of Defense is in the hospital? "But why didn't they tell Joey Boy?" If the president needed his Secretary, he could have contacted him. Or is it that they're not stupid, they just think you are? 01/17/2024 Future King Donald back in court yesterday Yesterday, as the woman who King Donald... er, future King Donald sexually assaulted testified against the pervert, the eighty year old toddler was overheard talking loudly to his lawyer. It was suspected that he said "when you're famous you can grab them by the pussy" as he did on the Access America bus before the 2016 election. The future autarch, of course, denied the sexual assault that he had been found guilty of, this trial was just to see how much of Donald Smaug's huge pile of gold to give to writer E. Lewis Carroll, pictured here. The judge threatened to throw him out of the courtroom if he didn't STFU. The future ruler reportedly said afterwards "He's a nasty judge. He's a Trump hating guy. And it's obvious to everybody in the court. It's a disgrace, frankly, what's happening! Where's my God Damned binky?" Besides the sexual assault charge he was judged guilty of, the defendant had previously pleaded guilty to fraudulently stealing lunch money from college kids who were too thick to be able to know a thief when they saw one. He has been found guilty of seventeen counts of tax fraud in New York. Despite being guilty of theft and rape and facing ninety one felony indictments in four jurisdictions, Evangelical Christians still kiss his diaper-covered ass. God declined to comment on the atrocious stand of his "conservative" evangelicals. 01/18/2024 Florida bans dictionaries, encyclopedia, and other smutty books PEN America, whoever the hell they are, says that Florida has banned eight dictionaries, five encyclopedias, and The Guiness Book of World Records. Not included in the list of banned books is Stephen McGrew's Mars, Ho! about a hundred ninety eight drug addicted prostitutes traveling to Mars. It is suggested that the reason was that none of the characters were queer. Transgender Florid Governor Rhonda Santos reportedly didn't admit "I'd still be straight, but when I was eight... Hey, that rhymes! When I was eight I needed a report on trains, and trying to figure out how to spell it I ran across 'transgender' and it made me curious, so I looked it up in the Britannica. I couldn't understand a word of it, but World Book got me hooked on wearing my mommy's clothes." Reportedly, the Guiness book was banned because it listed his hero, the future King Donald, as having the world's smallest penis. It would have been Elon Musk, but he has a giant artificial penis that travels into space. 01/19/2024 Elon's giant dildo heads to the ISS Elon Musk's giant dildo company, Swastika-X, sent one of Elon's artificial penuses to the ISS Thursday. It carried three "space tourists," which are usually known as "heartless bastards with too much money, people are starving!" but these so-called "tourists" were non-government scientists. Maybe, who knows? 01/20/2024 The Nooze hacked by unknown group Today we recieved Two Ransom Notices on our main computer, that read "You will stop making fun of Joe Brandon, Donald Smaug, his sister Eloi the Nazi, the Rep PUB licans, the Democ rats, the Boing! aircraft company, traitorous January six insurrectionists, Ham Ass, the Who, These?, Whitey Herzog and Nutty Yahoo, Iowa, Hardley Hamburgers, and that weird guy who keeps threatening to blow up our offices or you'll never see your scrambled data in its original form again." We laughed at them and replied that unlike the IT people at hospitals, gas pipelines, and nuclear power plants, we actually back up our data. The evildoers then said "shit! I mean, CURSES! None of you will get a minute's peace until you meet our demands! We may not be able to scramble all your data, but we can insert ytpos, like that one, see?" He then twirled his mustache and stomped out of the room, he being Two Ransom Notices. The FBI just laughed at us when we tried to file a report with them. Mr. Notice's whereabouts are currently unknown. Police say if you see him, fuggedaboudit. 01/21/2024 Transgender Florid Governor Rhonda Santos Wins Title Rhonda Santos dropped out of the Repo-blican race for president, saying that his mommie said he was a bad boy and should stop that nonsense and clean that lipstick off of the poor pet pig. The cat thought it was hilarious that his dropping out bestowed upon Rhonda the title of Queen Smaug, King Donald Smaug's royal consort, or pain in the ass, or something. Former Central Carolina Governor Haley Comet was still too far away to see, especially since the Webb and Hubble were more interested in other shit. Kind of like everybody else. 01/23/2024 Eloi Musk visits Auschwitz, pretends to be a concentration camp guard Space Nazi Elon Musk visited the crown jewel of his hero Hitler, Auschwitz. The trip was a reactioo to everyone pulling their advertising from... er... what's that site's name, again? Musk, who has as much money as two hundred twenty five millionaires (at 5% interest, a million dollars returns a $50,000 income yearly), is apparently... uh, what the hell is wrong with that pitiful man? Sorry, got carried away. So pitiful. He's said to be seeing Nutty Yahoo, the Jew who is practicing genocide against the Palestinians. Elon probably wants to take lessons. 01/23/2024 Future autarch Donald Smaug beats up girl Little Nikki, youngest son of Bezelbub, had her ass tromped and skinned alive in yestrday's primary. "Give up, brother," Donald Cassius Smaug whined. Nikki was unable to get The Dumbald in his cask. "It's only a scratch," the valiant evil but bruised and bloodied hopelessly outclassed evil demon said, "This isn't over." Oh, and a union endorsed Old Man Brandon. 01/24/2024 This isn't over. Echoing Little Nikkki Haley's retort to the future king, Tex Ass Governor Greg A Butt repeated it to anybody who cared, only he referred to the Civil War instead of a war between two of Satan's sons. The Supreme Quart, er, Quiet, uh, Quit, um, Cart? GOD DAMNED SPILL CHECKER SCOTUS had told the naughty Greg to take down the razor wire he had installed along the border to, as A Butt said, "mildly inconvienience the space aliens from the Andromeda galaxy pouring through our boarder (and she's pissed) and force feeding drugs to babies. Old man Bite'em is breaking the law!" When asked which law, he replied "Himingratiation law." "Immigration law? Which immigration law?" A Butt said "huh?" Meanwhile, Old Man Joe was in the oval office, yawning and cooking a steak with his light saber. 01/25/2024 Republican party shoots self in foot again On the verge of an agreement to fix the border, fund the Ukraine and Gaza wars and keep the government solvent between the Senate, House, Republicans, and Democrats, King Donald has decreed that there shall be no more American government until he is in the Oval Office wearing his bejewled golden crown. Various members of the House Anti-Freedom Caucus replied "Yes, sir, your wish is our command. But, uh..." Vladimir Putin reportedly threw a big party on the news. 01/26/2024 OOPS... After Little Nikkky swore that "This ain't over, buster," her rePUBlican party, after a few tequilas, determined that it was, in fact over, buster. After snorting cocaine and high tech artificial meth off the asses of hookers, except Herbert, who used a hooker's mule... Herbert's a little strange. Anyway, after taking drugs to sober up they decided that "hey, it ain't over, buster!" Her rival in the fight for the throne was in court, having his ass handed to him, by a girl, to the tune of eighty three million dollars. Yeah, that sounds like a lot, but do the math if your calculator goes that high. It's like you getting a twenty dollar fine; someone with a billion dollars has as much money as a thousand millionaires. His highmess won't miss it. Meanwhile, Joe "Fish" Bitin' was endorsed by the unions. King Donald was endorsed by management. Little Nikkki was endorsed by Herbert, who was then executed by King Donald's firing squad. 01/27/2024 UK oil tanker can't escape Who, These? Rocket The Who, These? terrorist group, based in Yeah, Man shot a rocket at a British oil tanker, setting it, as the British say, "alight." It may sink. A British government spokesman said "Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, I seem to have gotten a little oil in your ocean, let me find a handkerchief..." On Stroggos, they were sending for the dead rock star Desiato, whom was thought to have access to a Flamethrower. Both Desiato and Flamethrower replied "we're Marines, not terrorists!" to which Flamethrower added "You fucking wanker!" 01/27/2024 King Donald gets a parking ticket In the slander lawsuit against him by the woman His Majesty was judged guilty of sexually assaulting, the judge awarded him over eighty three million dollars. "Such a huge settlement!" said the math-challenged media, who don't realize that a billionaire has as much money as a thosand millionaires. It's pocket change to King Donald. 01/28/2024 Nooze indicted on three felony counts Nooze.org was indicted this afternoon on three felony counts. The first was for a duplicate posting, or "dupe". The second was for felony redundancy. The third was from Tex Ass Suckutary of Stud Jane Nelson, cousin of some actor from the fifties, who put out an APB (Apple-Pecan Butter) on the nooze for flagrant truth telling about Governor A Butt. Apparently, lies are required there. It was also decreed by Governor A Butt that all words were true. This formed an endless loop that caused a black hole that smelled really bad and looked UPDATE: We were sitting around the conference table wondering what the hell was going on, when the space alien who says he's from Earth's future sauntered in. "Sorry, folks. That didn't happen." "What didn't?" asked the managing editor in a shakey voice. "I told you, nothing didn't. I went back and kept it from happening." "But what didn't happen?" The alien then disappeared. So I guess we don't have a nooze item today, maybe something will be printed tomorrow. Ask the alien. 01/28/2024 What the hell happened? We were sitting around the conference table discussing... uh I don't remember, because that wierd little freak who says he's from the future popped in. Not like magic, more like borrowing a phrase from the British. "Sorry, folks. That didn't happen," he announced. "What didn't?" asked a managing editor in a shakey voice. "I told you, nothing didn't. I went back and kept it from happening." "But what didn't happen?" The alien then disappeared. Gertrude, another one of our managing editors (a hundred four years old and can outrun you) said, "well, what's going to be the lede item today?" "Maybe the three gold stars and forty purple hearts?" Tex volunteered before a light bulb lit above his head as if he was a cartoon. "Hey! That's agoing to be a country song! Gotta go, let me know." The janitor who had just changed the light bulb over Tex's head said "any more broken shit you want me to fix?" "How about the border?" "Okay, it might take a while, that's pretty complex." Ralph Tyrebytre, yet another editor, said "Did't you spell that wrong?" "Spell what wrong?" "Lead." "No." Gertrude said "Come on!" "What the hell happened? Son of a bitch!" the janitor cursed as the bulb burned out again. 01/30/2024 Gongress gives social media perverts a good tongue lashing Unwilling to actually do any governing, despite the looming shutdown over the budget, the crisis on the southern border, homelessness, and unwilling to do anything positive about... well, anything, they decided to chew out the tech giants. There are already many bills about the subject waiting to be passed, but Congress would rather just put on a show. It's a lot less work. Zuckerbird apologized for the deaths of the children who committed suicide because of his evil soul. There is no plan to act like Farsebook is anything but a heartless, evil, billion dollar corporation. 01/31/2024 February Share this with your Facebook friends if you're not afraid of Farsebook jail If you use these data for anything serious you are out of your mind. ------------------------------------------------- March Nooze ************** February King Donald gets a reprieve Donald Tramp, who recently beat out the Kountry Krypto Kid as king of the Fraudsters after being crowned to the tune of almost half a BILLION dollars (after interest payments) was granted a reprieve in his treason case for the attempted coup of 2001 and an audience with the Supreme Court Ruling Only Towards Unanimous Magnificence (SCROTUM). The SCROTUM will rule on whether or not King Donald of Makebelieve is above the law, as the king has believed all his life. 03/01/2024 Texas is on fire The biggest wildfire in Texas' recorded history is burning, having already destroyed over four hundred buildings, burning far more land than the great Chicago fire in 1904. Meanwhile, after almost no precititation in over a decade, with the expected water restrictions, the southern part of California is under water and its mountains are crumbling. But don't worry, climate change is a hoax, as are electric cars. King Donald said so! 03/02/2024 Nothing happened Well, the genocide continues in Gaza, the war continues without our help in Ukraine, Bit'em and Tramp are in Texas eating tacos while the House refuses to pass the most conservative border bill in history, Texas is still on fire, California is still underwater... Oh, I almost forgot, Interstate eighty at Donner Pass got twelve feet of snow and there was no canibalism. Maybe that should have been the headline? 03/03/2024 HR fired the monkeys They quickly found that feeding an infinite number of monkeys was a lot more expensive than a human writer's salary. Management is worried about the tax on the money they earn from the sale of an infinite number of monkeys, but our accountant, Allen Weisselberg, says not to worry. What was worse than the cost, HR said, was that what they produced made no sense: Now, fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour Draws on apace. Four hippy days bring in Another moon. But, O, methinks how slow This old moon wanes! She lingers my desires Like to a stepdame or a dowager Long withering out a young man's bananna This, they said, was the biggest reason for firing them. Not only was it not nooze, but the grammar and spelling were attrocious. 03/04/2024 King Donald gets a reprive SCROTUM (the Supreme Court Ruling Only Towards Unanimous Malfeasance) ruled today that the fourteenth amendment is too woke and doesn't apply because Con Grass never passed a law, despite many being denied office under the fourteenth amendment after the civil war. "This is proof that I'm innocent of all wrongdoing from my birth until the end of time!" King Tromp drooled. 03/04/2024 Our apologies Our army of editors failed to notice a misspelling that our accountant, Alan Weaselblog angrily pointed out in the item earlier today about HR's monkey business that misspelled his name. Mr. Weaselblog was somewhat mollified when informed that the monkey responsible for the misspelling was fired. Mr. Weaselblog intends to sue the monkey for slander. 03/04/2024 Donald Tramp wins super Tuesday RePUB lickin' primary It's never good nooze when that space alien drops by. He did so this morning. "Just dropped by to tell you that you can scoop the outher outlets with news that Trump wins." The boss was suspicious, as usual. "I thought you weren't allowed to tell the future?" The alien shrugged. "Everybody knows he's going to win, anyway. Oh, Facebook is going to go down this morning. 'Bye." He vanished without, as usual, movie-like special effects. 03/05/2024 We scooped everybody! Thanks to our buddy from ten million or something years in the future, Rority, we were able to report the findings yesterday morning before Fakebook went down. The FBI dropped by like they always do, looking for Roger in relation to the Farcebook outage. We were unable to help, we haven't seen him since the phones went down. We thought he was in jail. 03/06/2024 Arson at a German Nazimobile factory? A fire broke out in a substation or something at Eloi Musk's German Nazimobile fcctory, having to do with powering said factory. This comes dangerously close to irony, or at least a bad pun. Tesla blames an environmentalist group (really, guys, you can't make this shit up. Well, maybe with the right drugs but this actually happened). Eloi wants to cut down a forest next to his factory and the environmentalists don't want him to. The factory is shut down until power can be restored. The emvironmentalists have denied responsibility. They look kind of irresspomsible. Meanwhile, traditional automakers, auto mechanics, auto parts stores, and a few other industries that the electric vehicle will destroy were not suspected of the vandalism or sabotage or whatever it was. 03/06/2024 Johnson wept President Bitin' Tore into King Donald and the Repo blinkin' party last night and completely evicerated them. You could read Johnson's mind by his facial expressions. There was a man who saw his career in tatters. Better than seeing the nation in tatters, the poor, foolish puppet. 03/08/2024 He's baaaaaaack! George Santos, the only person in the world so dishones he makes King Donald look like truth itself, was at the State of the Union Address last week, despite having been thrown out of Congress, only the fourth congress member in history to be expelled. It seems that there is no clause in the house rules preventing an expelled congress critter from attending. Presumably someone in Congress invited him. There was quite a bit of controversy over his attendance, and they decided to add a Santos Clause, named the "Getting Expelled Officially Revokes Guaranteed Entry," or GEORGE rule. It was proposed by Richie Toes, a Damnocrat from You Nark State and revokes House floor privileges for members who have been kicked out. Santos says he intends to run for congress again, so it's guaranteed that he won't. 03/11/2024 Ben Hur faces congress One of the dimwitted Just Is department's shysters turned DA was hauled before congress to be asked what the hell did he think he was doing? The answer, of course, was that he wanted to please everybody and wound up pissing everybody off. I'm pretty sure it will be a long time before any promotions come his way. Meanwhile, of all of the Reprehublicans screaming for the inquiry over Old Joe's documents, none are screaming about the Mike Pance documents. 03/12/2024 GUILTY! "That was an excellent article yesterday, Jerry," the big boss said. "You deserve a raise!" Jerry looked astonished; the cheapassed boss only gives raises at gunpoint. "Really?" Jerry asked. "No shit?" Just then the damned space alien from the future appeared. It's quite disconcerting, he's not there and then he is. A physicist once said the there should be a wind, from displacement. He said something about tachyons, and when I told the alien, he laughed. Anyway, this morning when he popped into view soundlessly and windlessly, he said "Sorry, Jerry, but there was no story yesterday." "But..." "It was an emergency. So I had to make it not happen, and much of what happened that didn't happen affected this, the real reality." The boss chimed in, with an evil grin on his face. "Jerry can rewrite it, can't you, Jerry?" "Of course!" The alien sighed. "Protohumans! Sheesh! How can you write what you can't remember? And even if you could remember it, it never happened." The boss got a weird look on his face. "I know I just read it, but..." "It's okay, I have a scoop for you. That teenaged kid that killed those other kids in his school? What's his name, Crumbley? Yeah, the kid's dad's name is Jimmy Crumbley. Anyway..." "Bullshit!" the boss thundered. "That's a godamn cartoon name!" The alien laughed. "Look in your own paper. Look in the New York Times, you have all been covering Crumbley's trial. Anyway, that idiot will be found guilty of all charges tomorrow. I just gave you a scoop." The boss said something fucking unprintable. "You asshole! That was yesterday!" The alien looked at his chronometer. "Oh shit," and vanished. The boss looked pensive. "Maybe we can salvage this, I could have sworn Jerry wrote about it yesterday. Look, here's the angle. The guy bought a gun for his kid and said he had it hidden, and now he's guilty of... how many counts? Anyway, now, if you own a firearm and someone commits a murder with it, you can be found guilty of manslaughter! Jerry, I want you to get on this right away." Bertha said "Jerry? Who's Jerry?" The boss looked confused. "Uh, Bertha, I know you're really an editor, but can you cook somethig up for today's nooze?" 03/15/2024 The kingdom has broken, as the king is broke About King Donald of Fantasyland, the self-proclaimed billionaire Donald Trump's lawyers told the judge "he ain't got no money, Judge!" He couldn't get financing for that half a billion loan for bail on his fraud charge. So he says. So of course last night he said that if he lost the electron, there would be a bloodbath. Blood is filled with electrons. The bloodbath would be in the American auto industries because the king says Americans make shitty cars that can't compete. President Brandon begs to differ. He and the AFL-CIO, Teamsters, UAW, and every other organization of American workers who can't figure out how a billionaire can become impoverished while owning half of New York state.. 03/18/2024 Deadlines The incompetent lagis laters in the House of Represensibles have until tomorrow to come up with a budget. Word is that the so-called "conservatives" who want America to become a dictatorship say that the deficit is too big. After ballooning it by a full third when they were in power, to give huge tax breaks (breaking the brakes) to people who already have too much money, they want the elderly retired workers to pay for it with cuts to the Social Security they have been paying into for most of their lives. The billionaires say "we stole their labor since Reagan and now we don't get jack shit from those old bastards!" Word is the Sin ate might get it by Monday. If America is lucky. Meanwhile, still no help for Ukraiune, of course, King Donald is best buddies with Vlad. He wants to give Ukraine to his lover on their planned wedding next January 20. Meanwhile, the king has until Monday to come up with half a billion dollars or they start siezing his property. The king's rich American friends who own all of the media have of course done their best to keep you clueless about what he did that was fraudulent. It's simple. You buy a house sized 40,000 feet, getting the mortgage at incredibly low interest despite being broke by lyinjg about how rich you are. Then when the taxes are due, somehow it's only 20,000 feet. When it's time to refinance, it's 70,000 feet. King Donald is a liar and a thief, plain and simple. 03/21/2024 Friday Bloody Friday Russia got a taste of ISIS terrorism yesterday when gunmen stormed a rock concert, shot and killed dozens of people, and burned the concert hall to the ground. ISIS Claimed responsibility, sticking out its tongue and saying "Nan na na na na LUUUZARZ!" Russia, of course blamed Ukraine. The Russians claimed that when they caught the Muslim terrorists, they were heading to the mostly Christian and Jewish Ukraine, obviously being disoriented, thinking they were going west when they were really heading towards Afghanistan. No one was fooled. Russia doesn't care. King Donald sent his sympathies to his best buddy, Czar Putitin. 03/21/2024 Yet another reprieve... A judge said that King Donald can put up a hundred seventy five million Quatloos (1/100th of a Ningi). However, if he's found evilly guilty of the dastardly deed he has done, he'll still owe the half a billion green samoleons. The alien told us this would happen, but why bother? It's not like anybody's surprised. Now, that bridge in Baltimore, yeah, but if we told you what would have happened had the bridge not gone down... 03/26/2024 Fraudster sentenced to 25 years No, not King Donald, who keeps avoiding the inevitable. Bank man Sam, who bedazzled his fools with magic money (David Copperfirld magic, not Merlin) with Bitchcoin, the so-called "investment" that is backed by nothing but wishes and dreams. The bald faced boy will spend twenty five years locked up for impoverishing rich people. The last famous fraudster to go to prison was Bernie Madhoff, who was sentenced to six times as long as Sam. He died in 2021, his putrid corpse will be freed in 2187. Bankman will be an old man when he totters out. 03/28/2024 California raises mimumum wage California's minimum wage goes up to $20 tomorrow, which may sound pretty good if you live in Sweet Home Alabama, where you earn the federal minimum of $7.25. The media shows restaraunt owners whining that they would have to raise prices, suggesting that minimum wage increases cause inflation, when history has shown that since 1776 when America was born, no minimum wage increase (Georgia and Wyoming's cheap bastards don't even have a minimum wage, relying on the Feds to enforce their own minimum) has EVER caused inflation or recession. Inflation is caused by the very rich, who raise prices whenever they have an excuse. Russia not allowed to export oil? "Let's steal some working class money, boys, now's our chance!" Recession is caused by a disparity of wealth. If a recession doesn't happen and the gap gets larger, there's a depression, and the rich have been stealing our labor for over half a centurty. In 1965 an hour's federal minimum wage bought fifteen McDonald's hamburgers. Those fifteen burgers now cost $24.90, which is what the Georgian fry cook should be earning. This increase won't help the homeless full-time workers in Las Angeles. They're screwed. 03/30/2024 April Share this with your Facebook friends if you're not afraid of Farsebook jail If you use these data for anything serious you are out of your mind. ---------------------------------------------------------- The, uh, Nooze Nooze April Last month April FOOL joke of the year There are up to 200,000 people out of work as a result of the cargo ship that destroyed the bridge and closed the shipping lanes. That's no joke. Neither is the billions of dollars to open shipping and rebuild the bridge. The joke is on YOU, the American taxpayer, who will pay for this massive clusterfuck instead of the company that owned the container ship that caused this disaster. They won't even have to pay to repair the ship, insurance will cover that. No billionaires will be harmed in the destruction or rebuilding of that bridge and shipping channel. Don't you love American Plutocracy? 04/01/2024 Netanyahu murders American Citizen Bennie NuttyYahoo's April Fool's joke Monday was to tell an aid convoy a highway was safe, then destroy all three of its well marked vehicles, killing the people inside. All were volunteers from all over, including an American and an Australian, both about as far away from Israel as you can get. "Ooops, my bad," NetanYAHOO chortled giggling, his plans for the Gazan people's extermination and its heritage destroyed, a complete and utter genocide leaving no trace that the people Netanyahu is now starving ever existed. 04/03/2024 King Donald Excoriates Nutty Yahoo King Donald yesterday trash talked his favorite Jew, Nutty Yahoo. But not for murdering aid workers, including an American. Kings aren't supposed to have human feelings. Rather than being woeful about death and suffering, he worries about Israel's image. But what can you expect from an ex-reality TV show star? 2028: Kardashians for President! 04/06/2024 Giant squirrel eats the sun According to the indigenous people living in Oklahoma, a giant squirrel ate the sun this morning. They scared it by banging pots and pans, and the squirrel shit the sun back out and ran away. NASA informs us that the rumor that eating during the eclipse will kill you is bullshit. Your food will not become poison, they say. I'm not taking any chances. My junk food waited until later. 04/08/2024 Arizona Supreme Court Outlaws Abortion Arizona's Supreme Court gave its Republicans a choice: repeal the Civil War era abortion ban or lose their jobs this coming November. America doesn't like heartless radicals. The "honest" King Donald claims erroneously that Democrats want abortion legal after birth, which is what the Arizona law dictates. If you get pregnant in Arizona, you must carry the fetus with its critical deformations to birth, where its frail, deformed body with its heart outside its chest will die in excruciating pain maybe twenty minutes after the umbilical cord is cut. The anti-abortionist crowd says that their Christian faith makes them against abortion, dispite the fact that the Christian Bible nowhere mentions abortion or when life begins, while the Jewish Bible says when you can, cannot, and must abort a fetus. 04/10/2024 Texas, where they settle differences the old fashioned way First, a kid in Dallas brought a gun to school and shot a classmate in the leg. It was feared the lad might die from his injuries, and yes, being shot in the lag or anywhere else can kill you. Then, a guy who was denied a license from the state's safety office yesterday stole an eighteen wheeler. As the police were in high speed pursuit, he smashed it into that very same safety office, proving that not issuing that license was a pretty good idea. Texas. Such a wonderful place to raise a family, such nice folks there... 04/12/2024 Republicans plan to outlaw alien voters Today it was reported that King Donald and the Sneaky of the House, Johnson, are planning to outlaw aliens from voting in US elections. Never mind that it's already illegal for non-citizens to vote. 04/13/2024 Here come da judge! If you remember Rowan and Martin, you're old. So is King Donald, whose trial on 34 felony charges related to faking stuff to stay out of trouble is going on in New York as my worn and tired fingers type this tripe. He says the trial is a disgrace. I agree, what he has done is incredibly disgraceful. 04/15/2024 Homeland Security Secretary Impeached The House of Reprehensible Republicans sent their impeachment documents to the Senate, despite there being no evenidence or even hint of misdemeanor, let alone felonious action. Because it's just a political circus brought on by America's stupidest legislators, and there are in fact no felonies of misdemeanors to act on, the trial will be short and uneventful. Unless a congress critter brings a gun... 04/17/2024 TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!!! It has been alleged, without facts, that entertainer Taylor Swift has used some of her billions to buy up a large portion of America's news media. The "proof"? All of the mainstream TV news shows carried more "news" of the entertainer (not a scientist or humanitarian) releasing a record album than the attack on Iran by Israel, the genocide in Gaza, or the floods in the Arabian desert city that was built without drainage. 04/19/2024 King Donald's suicide squad attacks The last surviving member of King Donald's vaunted elite suicide squad attacked the evil deep state (Constitutional Rule of Law) today, outside the court where the King was being tried on racketeering charges. He set himself on fire. Ouch. His attack was foiled, as no one died. The squad member was taken to a hospital in critical condition. 04/19/2024 House Reprehenpublicans vote against democracy The Republicans in the House of Reprehensibiles were split 101 to 112 in favor of Russian communism and against democracy yesterday in the House of Reprehinsibles, in the vote to send ammunition to Ukraine in its defense against the Russsian invasion and terror and annoyance. Really, Russia, WTF? The Demoncrats voted unuanimously in favor of democracy and against communist dictatorship. Obviously, the Peaker of the Hose, Mikey, would rather go down in herstory as Winston Churchill rather than Neville Chamberlain, a whiney little Brit not unlike King Donald the Grate, last heard whining about the temperature in the courtroom where he is being tried for business fraud. In other noozes, King Donald's last surviving Royal Suicide Squad member has died of natural causes. 04/21/2024 "Unnamed co-conspirator" King Donald has been named as an unnamed co-conspirator in the case against his friends and partners in crime in Arizona for their "fake electors" scheme. The trial against his Round Table will have to wait, as he is ordered to be in court for the porn star election fraud charges in New York. That guy just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Today, his lawyers are arguing at the Supreme Court that since he is king, the sleaze is above the law. 04/25/2024 Harvey Weinstien cleared of rape charges Movie mogul and sex pervert Harvey Weinstien's rape conviction was overturned yesterday on the grounds of, uh, some legal bullshit. He remains in prison for a completely dfferent rape of a completely different woman. 04/26/2024 It's 1968 all over again Anti-war demonstrators descended on college campuses over the weekend, first at the private colleges like Columbia that only rich, white kids go to, followed by pretty much everyone else who is appalled at Nutty Yahoo's ongoing genocide against Gaza. Of course, like 1968, the demonstrations turned violent whan police attacked the peaceful demonstrators. At UMSL, 29 demonstrators were roughly arrested, then set free because, well, that pesky first amendment... At least the Missouri State Police didn't shoot and kill anybody, like the Ohio National Guard did way back in those days of peace and love. Also, the Democratic National Convention will be held in Chicago. Did you learn about that in history class, kids? 04/29/2024 Next month Share this with your Facebook friends if you're not afraid of Farsebook jail If you use these data for anything serious you are out of your mind. ------------------------------------------------------------------ The, uh, May Nooze Nooze April King Donald found guilty of contempt of court King Donald the Grate was found guilty of nine counts of contempt yesterday by the judge in his porn star business fraud trial. He was given the maximum fine, a thousand dollars, for each count. That is, of course, like you being fined a dollar for contempt. The judge warned him that if he keeps his evil shenannigans up, he's going to be locked up. You or I would have already been in jail for ignoring a judge's orders. But Donald is king, laws don't apply to him or any other billionaire. 05/01/2024 King Donald threatens violence Embattled King Donald, on his normal Wednesday break from being tried for porn star business fraud, held a rally where he threatened violence if he loses. "Vote for me or I'll kick your ass" sounds more like campaign for high school class president than a campaign for the United States presidency. 05/02/2024 Death Star nearly completed Sources on Tattooine and Listerine have informed us that word has leaked out that Lord Vader's rumored "death star" is nearing completion. However, empire spokesthings assure us that the so-called "death star" is a hoax propagated by terrorists called "The Federation". Or something, sorry, we were paying attention to that hot Senator and kind of missed what was going on. 05/04/2024 Boing! SLS Moon rocket to go to the ISS tonight, and other undefined acronyms The US's newest moon rocket, the Space Launch System, bounces off of the launch pad tonight in its first crewed test. It will rendevous at the International Space Station. As this was built by Boing!, lets hope no door plugs, escape chutes, or wheels fall off. UPDATE: Boing! (or most likely NASA) found the unnamed unbolted part. It will bounce into outer space maybe Tuesday, if nothing else falls off. 05/06/2024 Joe Bitin' Nutty Yahoo Old Joes's been warning Nutty Yahoo not to invade Rough, Uh? Without making sure the civilians, all of whom Nutty Yahoo thinks is Ham Ass, are kept safe. A predicament, for sure. Why the genocide if he didn't believe that? Just a heartless bastard? But Joey wasn't bluffing, and stopped shippong bombs to Israel. 05/08/2024 Irony isn't just what your Mommie uses to make your shirties flat Crackhead Hunter Biden is slated to be tried next month, for the crime of posessing a firearm while fried and zombified. Ironically, he plans to use a second amendment defense. His ol' dad is trying to tighten gun regulations. "Can't have that stipid kid shooting himself in the foot," he was never reported to have said. 05/09/2024 Cop murders uniformed American military man In Florida (of course, sheesh!) a sheriff's deputy was answering a call about a disturbance at a quiet apartment, and knocked loudly on the man's door yelling "police! Open up!" The door opened, and an Air Force airman in uniform opened the door, holding a pistol that was pointed towards the floor, his finger nowhere near the trigger. The cowardly, poorly trained cop then murdered the man patriotic enough to serve in the military, emptying his gun, which he had drawn before knocking, as if he had planned the murder. The deputy is still not in jail. This is not supposed to happen in America! This is a police state tactic. America, land of the formerly free and home of the cowardly, poorly trained police. We should have a federal law that insists that any police officer whose actions result in anyone's death should be tried for murder, with the district attorney having no say in whether or not the dirty cop should be tried. Google shows hundreds of photos of the airman, but not a single picture of the murderer's face. 05/10/2024 Co-hen testifies against the big hen For those not acquainted of the practice of a co-hen, you city kids of course wouldn't know. The way the co-hen fraud works is when the big hen wants to go "bird watching" with a porn star, the co-hen sits on the "eggs" to make sure that they don't hatch prematurely, until after the big hen is crowned king. This particular co-hen went to prison to defend the big hen's eggs, and she's PISSED! 05/13/2024 King Whiner's stooges invade courtroom King Donald the Whiner was given something else to whine about when an army of his congressional stooges invaded the courtroom with their security details. When the judge complained, the king whined "But I have no control over my stooges!" The king's bleach blonde stooge with greene teeth was also causing her usual chaos in the House of Representatives. How that crazy woman got on any commitees is anybody's guess. Mine is that it is the result of some sort of dishonest hanky panky or other shenanigans. I have to say, she really has her nerve disrespecting another House member's looks. 05/17/2024 Another Supreme Court Nazi outed It has been revealed that Supreme Court Nazi Sammy Elite-o flew an American flag upside down in support of King Donald's thwarted coup days after the January 6, 2021 coup attempt. The upside down American flag is a symbol of extreme distress and was used by the king's supporters during the coup attempt. This is the second Nazi on the court to have his cover blown, the first being the incredibly corrupt Constitution doubter Thomas. Who's next? Patriots in the House and Senate called for him to recuse himself from any proceeding that has to do with 1/6, Fascism, or the Constitution he obviously hates. None of those calling for him to recuse himself were members of what used to be the "Republican" party, now run by Princess Trump and her fellow acolytes. We at the Nooze call for his impeachment. The cowardly Elite-o blamed his wife, of course. Pitiful. 05/18/2024 Iranian President Ahminasso dead in helicopter crash Allah called Iranian President Ahminasso home last night violently and painfully, taking half of Iran's government with him, by mashing the helicopter they were in into a mountain. God was apparently unhappy with Iran, gifting it pea-soup fog and altogether nasty weather. They should have read the Christian Bible, "thou shalt not tempt the lord thy God!" Rest in Pieces, Prez. Good riddance. 05/20/2024 Busted! On the lam ever since Rudie "Skaface" Jewelyainthe's indictment was announced, and after taunting authorities with "Nyah nyah you can't find me!", authorities found him by recognizing the TV set he was giving a live interview taunting them from. Papers were served, sans ketchup. I have few hopes of his surviving prison. His puppetmaster, on the other hand, will probably lead a prisoner revolt when he's locked up. 05/21/2024 Mafia guy "Bitin' Joe" puts "hit" on King Donald the Sleepy His Honestless King Donald revealed that President Bitin' Joe had set him up, in the king's typical gangster style, for a "hit job," saying that the FBI gave permission to "shoot to kill" in the search of his huge "Mar a Log, Oh?" stupidly named hovel in the mosquito and alligator infested swamps of Florida. Tree frogs are kind of cute, though. The FBI was not amused. "King Shithead was treated no differently than any other scumbag whose low life we ruin searching their property" they were never reported to have said. Well, maybe under their breath. In other Rich Dufus Nooze, the defense rested in the king's porn star fraud trial. 05/22/2024 Live Nitwit and Ticketmonster in the DOJ crooshairs The Deportment of Just Is revealed that it is suing to take a chansaw to those evil, vile companies who nake little girls weep. The Nooze suggests that they just burn it down and bury the ashes. Most who have bought a king's ransom concert ticket this century probably pray their president and board perish as well. It's rediculous (diculous and diculous again) that a Doors "tribute band" (cover band) costs fifteen times what a ticket to the real Doors in the sixties cost. 05/23/2024 KenneDUH! picks running mate The presidential candidate with a dead worm in his brain has picked his running mate. Nicole Shanahan, an Asian-American billionaire California lawyer is just as batshit insane as he is, if not nuttier. Their campaign is running on "outlawing all vaccinations and, uh, what was that?" 05/24/2024 Nutty Yahoo "Accidentally" murders 45 innocent civilians In Rah! Fu... Israel's Prime Monsteror Nutty Yahoo ordered two Ham Ass terrorists killed, and 45 innocent civilians died, including many children. Hundreds more were injured. Israel's response was "Oops!" It is not known if the two targeted Ham Ass operatives were injured, or even, in fact, exist. 05/27/2024 Battle of the 'loons Germany's DW News is reporting that the two Koreas have seemingly restarted the Korean War, albeit in a very silly way. Some activists from the south sent balloons carrying propaganda leaflets (even though true, it's still propaganda) to drop over the north. North Korea retaliated with balloons full of trash and garbage sent to the south. The southerners fear that the next time may be chemical weapons. Time for both sides to grow up? 05/29/2024 GUILTY! King Donald the Cheat has been found guilty on all thirty four felony counts in his porn star fraud trial. We shall see if his cult of gullible minions riots again. The sentence has not been sentenced, and is unlikely to be a run-on sentence behind bars. They don't put billionaires in prison unless they piss off even more rich greedsters. 05/30/2024 June Share this with your Facebook friends if you're not afraid of Farsebook jail If you use these data for anything serious you are out of your mind. The Nooze Nooze June ←Back to May Atlanta floods, God denies responsibility The flooding of Atlanta, Georgia (not the Georgia in Europe where they're rioting in the streets) wasn't, in fact, caused by rain, tides, or hurricanes. Apparently, Atlanta's aging, long neglected infrastructure rotted and all of its water pipes burst at once. Actually, the headline is misleading. God hasn't mentioned it. It isn't known what happened to Atlanta's share of the Build Back Better infrastructure money. 06/02/2024 Ticketmonster servers broken into If You have bought any tickets from this evil monnolopist, you should have the credit card you bought them with replaced, because the thieves have your credit card number. You should aso change your Ticketmonster password. If you're dumb enough to use the same password for all sites, change ALL of your passwords! Make them all different and write them down and put them in a secure place, like your wallet. 06/03/2024 Louisiana legalizes cruel and unusual punishment In yet another Republican attack on the US Constitution, the Republican Louisiana government has decreed that the punishment for certain crimes shall be having the perpetrator's balls cut off. In more polite terms, "surgical castration". Apparently, the sexist Republican rednecks think it impossible for a woman to rape a child, or commit sodomy on one. 06/04/2024 Roger denies responsibility AT&T again fingered Roger for their latest fuckup when their phones couldn't call any other carrier's phones. Luckily for Roger, he had an ironclad alibi: He was in jail awaiting trial for another compromised system. He was let out of jail when the FBI found evidence that it was a Russian job. "Sure glad they didn't ask about Ticketmonster," he said when he returned to the office. 06/05/2024 Rority claims responsibility for winning World War Two The space alien from the future dropped by today with a tale of how he had to go back to D-Day this morning and change the ocean currents so the Americans would land in a less protected part of the beach than where they were headed, which was towards certain death. "I hated it," he said. "They should have sent Gumal, he doesn't care about you protohumans." We at the Nooze are calling bullshit. 06/06/2024 Good nooze, bad nooze The good nooze is, Nutty Yahoo's eel eat forces rescued four Israeli hostages from Ham Ass. The bad news is hundreds of innocent Palestineans were murdered in the process, in cold blood. One of Nutty Yahoo's war cabinet resigned, saying Nutty Yahoo was a fuckup playing politics instead of winning the war. Meanwhile, Bitin' Joe is contemplating talking to Ham Ass to see if he can get the American hostages back. Good luck with THAT! 06/10/2024 GUILTY!!! Atilla the Hunter Biden was today found guilty of all three felony counts of being a dumbass cocaine addict; AKA "crackhead". Of course, laws don't apply to crackheads, or so they think when high on it. Republicans are, strangely, jubilent. Strangely because Atilla isn't running for anything. Meanwhile, King Donald the Felonious referred to the Bidens as a "crime family". 06/11/2024 Banana found guilty of terrorism The Chiquita corporation has been found guilty in a civil suit of funding terrorism. Survivors of the victims of the terrorists were awarded over thirty eight million dollars. Why, you may ask, hasn't the corporation been charged with a crime? Simple, funding Al Quidder, ISIS (Idiotic Stupid Ignorant Simpletons), or the Proud Racists, or Nazis is perfectly legal no matter how many people they murder. When homicide is seen as speech, all murders will be legal. 06/14/2024 Nutty Yahoo disolves cabinet Nutty Yahoo reportedly removed his cabinet and immersed it in a strong acid. The type of acid wasn't... huh? What was that? I've been told that the "cabinet" was just a bunch of people having somethinjg to do with his genocide getting fired, and if any acid was involved, it was probably LSD. 06/17/2024 Warning: Social Media may cause cancer, emphysema, COPD, schiool shootings, and sudden death Surgeon General Viataek Murphy, recently promoted from Leutenant General, insisted that social media is a plague on society that kills millions of Americans like tobacco does. It will take an act of congress to mandate warning labels like cigarettes have. Social media were quiet on the subject, since few social media users ever read anything but social media. 06/18/2024 Louisiana makes the Constitution the official State Toilet Paper The Mentally deficient government of the state of Louisiana has decreed that a poster sized copy of the Ten Commandments be displayed in every classroom in the state. Of course, since the first five commandments are strictly against the Buddhist, Hindu, Druid, Wiccan, Satanic, and Athiest (Heathen) religions, it is strictly against the first amendment's guarantee of freedom of religion. There are, apparently, an awful lot of incredibly ignorant Republicans who want a Christian version of Sharia law in America. The Nooze suggests that they all relocate to Iran or Afghanistan. Stop enshittifying America! 06/21/2024 Farsebook unearths plans to steal ownership of all art and literature posted on their site A few dazed days ago we informed you that social media were bad for you. Farsebook just announced that starting Tuesday they will abscond your writings, photos, poor spelling and grammar, and obscene hand gestures for use in training their AI (Arty, fishy Insanity) computers to fool you into thinking not only that they can think, which they can't, but to convince you that it is you. It is rumored that a throng (however big a "throng" is) of creative people are deleting their accounts, despite the near impossibility for anyone not in the EU, whose governments outlaw corporate shenanigans. However, we have been informed that it is indeed possible for those outside the EU, just incredibly difficult. If you are an artist who wishes to delete your account, or just want to delete your account because theft is evil but you can't figure out how, find a bright twelve year old to help you. 06/23/2024 Space aliens from the future will change the Presiduncial debate? The space alien from the future dropped by yesterday. Roger asked what I and the Big Boss thought was a stupid question, "Won't our knowing about you affect the future?" He, the Big Boss, I, and most of the staff laughed. Unusual for the humans (we're protohumans, they're from millions of years in the future). They only laugh when they have a thing they call a "stratodoober." "Only the wierdos will believe it. Besides, your circulation is tiny, your employer only has it as a tax dodge. I shouldn't tell you this, but... no, I can't. But I can tell you that I've come back to make sure the election comes out the way that doesn't destroy civilization." "But how do you know what will happen?" Gilda, the new receptionist, asked. The alien did something else they seldom do. He sighed. "It already happened. It's not hard for the number boys to figure it out. But don't tell anyone, it may cause civilization to end prematurely." He then vanished. "Fuck him," the Big Boss said. "Printing this might get our circulation up enough to keep those tax bastards off of my back." We at the Nooze have been instructed to tell you that the space alien from the future is full of shit. 06/24/2024 Julia Nasuage Pleads Guilty and Goes Home Julia Nasuage, who has spent over a decade trying to stay out of an American Jail and rotting in various foreign prisons, has agreed to plead guily to one count of being a dangerous asshole in exchane for a sentence of time served. We at the Nooze wonder how an Australian who has never set foot in the US can be charged with an American crime. Is Iran's Sharia Law going to come here and arrest your Mom for not wearing a Burka? Or the British police coming to arrest you for owning a firearm? 06/26/2024 Astronouts who flew to ISS on the Booing! Starliner are stuck there. Apparently, in the wish to become a British car manufacturer they wanted it to leak oil, but had to settle on hydrogen. However, this has caused a few other problems, like, uh, staranding the astronauts. They may have to hitch hike back to Earth on a Nazi rocket. In related Nooze, Boing! is in deeper trouble with the government for doing what they were expressly forbitten to do. Their answer? "Oops, sorry." It is still not known why Boing!'s CEO is still not in prison for those dozens of negligent homicides. 06/27/2024 Oklahoma institutes Sharia Law Outdoing Louisiana's arrogant idiocy in decreeing that the Ten Commandments shall be posted in every classroom, Okalahoma has ordered that public schools must teach the Bible. Aren't politicians supposed to swear to defend the Constitution? That this insult to a kindergartner's intelligence and maturity is very clearly and blatantly against it, and you don't need a law degree to understand that? I'm starting to think that not only do Republican lawmakers hate Democrats, they hate democracy and America. 06/28/2024 July Share this with your Facebook friends if you're not afraid of Farsebook jail If you use these data for anything serious you are out of your mind. ©2024, all commercial rights reserved. Use for any renumeration, or to train AI, is stricktly forbidden without explicit written permission on paper, and we will sue the shit out of you if you infringe! --------------------------------------------------- The, uh, Nooze Nooze July ←Back to June Demoncrats PANIC!!!! Bit'em, not very biting at all last week when he did bloody battle with the troll-dragon King Donald the Felonius, with a "cold" that may well have been the new strain of Covid, left the debate stage battered and bloodied. The dragon then returned to one of his golden caves, the one in Florida. Demoncrats are panicking because if old Joe threw in the towel, it would gurantee King Donald the Plague's reign until the end of time. Well, the end of his time, anyway. King Donald the ancient is almost as old as Bit'em, and his family isn't as long-lived. Lucky for Americam democracy, Americans aren't stupid. Well, at least the ones not wearing red hats who don't run Linux aren't. 07/01/2024 Supreme Court gives President Bite'm the power to legally assassinate King Donald the Dim Shocking everybody, the Supreme Court said that logic and reason don't matter, that if it can be seen as an "official act" it's perfectly legal, no matter how illegal, obscene, or evil it may be, that the president can do any fucking thing he damned well pleases. The president has, so far, yet to obliterate "Mourn a Lager", the golden dragon's Florida cave. 07/02/2024 Colony leaders sign seditious document Today a group of malcontents who hate King George and Mother Britian have signed a document allegedly declaring that the King's colonies in the north American continent become a separate nation. This is, of course, ludicrous and laughable. These ragtag farmers and goat herders can beat the entire British Empire's troops? We patriots at the pages of the British Monarchy Press wish our fellows in arms a swift victory against these traitors. 07/04/1776 President Bite'm vows to finish the fight "Now stand aside, worthy adversary!" the king triumphantly proclaimed as his opponent staggered; bruised, bloodied, and spitting teeth, blood splattered everywhere. "'Tis but a scratch!" The president responded. "I'm staying in until the heat death of the universe." 07/05/2024 Bite'm quotes Led Zeppelin President Bite'm was interviewed by ABC's George Stephanopulance last week about his debate fuckup. Blaming a bad cold, lack of sleep, overwork, and ignoring his advisors, President Bite'm added Led Zeppelin's words, "Nobody's fault but mine," repeating it several times. Georgie Boy asked how he would feel if he stayed in the race and lost. "I'd feel like I did my best." He wasn't asked how he would feel if he dropped out and King Donald the Dishonest still won. Yesterday, SinAtore Featherman pointed out that Bite'm was the only person in the world ever to "kick Trump's ass in an election." Perhaps the Dumbocrats in the House who want Bite'm to drop out should resign, because none of them are thinking half as clearly as the president is. 07/08/2024 Boing! pleads guilty to felony fraud, is charged a small fine. The multiple frauds resulted in hundreds of human beings violently killed. If you get drunk and crash your car, you may lose everything and spend the rest of your life in prison. The fraudsters guilty of negligent manslaughter get away scott-free, the company they run pays a fine. Meanwhile, another tire fell off of a Boing! jet in flight yesterday as the felony plea and fine were being publicised. The fine is simply a small cost of doing business; the taxpaying, airline riding passengers will pay the fine for Boing!'s dangerous illegality. "Justice" in America. 07/09/2024 Mainstream News Media Join Fox in supporting King Donald the Rancid All of the news channels are talking about nothing but how the Dumbocrats in the House of Reprehisnsibles want President Bite'm to drop out of the race. The reality is that only eight out of all two hundred thirteen House Democraps want him to drop out. Why is the mainstream pushing this transparent fraud? It's simple: the uber rich scumbags who own ALL of the mainstream media want King Donald and his Fascist policies. They want Trump to be like Putin, and they like Putin's goons. The word "evil" sums it up nicely. 07/10/2024 King Donald the Dufus almost ass ass in ate... Id? Friday the thirteenth was extremely lucky for King Donald the Looter, coming on a Saturday this week, who came two inches from having his brains freed. A sniper barely missed blowing King Donald the Disgusting's head off today at a rally at, er, somewhere. The bullet grazed the crazed Ex-President's ear before blowing one of his brainless followers' brains out. The would-be assassin was, of course, "dispatched." 07/13/2024 King Donald the Bloody released from the hospital In the aftermath of yesterday's attempted murder of the former reality TV president by a twenty year old Re-pub lickin' with an AR ("assault rifle") styled rifle, the presidunce and former presidunces, congriefs, and the monster stream media all saying to turn down the violent rhetoric. All of the violence and violent rhetoric has come from King Donald the Dim and his supporters. We at the Nooze expect the Radicalpublicans to turn the rhetoric up, and ignore all calls for sanity. Expecting anything else is just foolish. 07/14/2024 "I'm voting for the felon!" Since the first Republican president, Abraham Lincoln, the Republicans were a conservative, law-and-order party devoted to democracy, the Constitution, and the rule of law. Those days ended when King Donald the Fraudster was elected president in 2016. Today people at the Reprehensible Party, no longer the least bit conservative but insisting that they are indeed conservative, that only conservatives can define that word, like only gays can redefine the word "gay". It's a pity they didn't fit the late President Eisenhower with strong magnets, as his spinning in the grave could power America. 07/15/2024 Oh, shit! The boss was chewing out the new guy just to instill a healthy dose of fear into him when a stranger came to the door. I'd never seen him before, but I knew who it was. It was the time-traveling space alien from the future, in disguise. How could I tell? It was easy, he didn't look real, he looked more like CGI, which is even weirder in person than in a movie. The boss, however, is luckily nearsighted but refuses to wear glasses out of vanity, despite being a very ugly man, and won't wear contacts because he fears to touch his eyes. "Excuse me," the alien said. The new guy looked like we might smell fecal matter shortly, as maybe he was about to shit his pants. "Uh, can I get back to work now, sir?" he asked the boss, shaking. "You had better," the boss growled. Harry scurried out of there, hopefully to the rest room in time. "Who are you?" the boss demanded squinting. "He's the space alien Roger told you about," I said. Unlike the new guy, I don't really need this stupid job but it amuses me. "I don't believe in space aliens!" As he was glaring at Rority, our descendant from millions of years in the future, Rority dropped his disguise, made of nobots. I have no clue what a "nobot" is, that's just what he said. The boss doesn't have good eyes but he's not Ray Charles. His weak eyes got big when Rority suddenly looked like himself; in short, an Area 51 alien. "I had to keep Trump alive," the alien said. "I told you!" the boss said beaming. "Biden will destroy the world!" "Biden has nothing to do with it," the alien said. "Destruction and misery are coming no matter who wins the election. A world-wide economic depression like the world experienced a century ago will happed... has happened. How it happens matters. Sure, if that orange guy gets in, his policies will cause it to happen much sooner, but I had to come back to make sure it happened before Hobart." "Hobart?" I asked. "I can't tell you." The boss asked "Why not?" "He knows," he said, pointing to me. He laughed and vanished. The boss stood there with his jaw hanging open. "Why...?" "You don't want to know." "Don't tell me what I want!" I shrugged. "If we print it, well, we're already like the National Enquirer to most people, not much more trustworthy than Fox and a lot less competent." His shoulders sagged and he slunk out. The alien reappeared. "You again!" I exclaimed, grinning. Actually, suppressing a laugh. "So why are we going to have a depression, and why do we have to?" "First, read your history. A depression always happens when too few people have too much of the money. Second, and third, it's necessary to slow global warming until you idiots stop burning fossils, and if that doesn't happen the thermonuclear war will." 07/16/2024 Musk moves to a more Nazi-friendly state Eloi Musk, already having moved to Tex ass, one of the two most Fascist states in America, is hatching plans to move SpaceNazi, Trashla, and the X -Twit Her there for ideotlogical reasons. That, and Tex ass has no state income tax. It's also legal to murder Blacks, Homosexuals, Hippies, and foreigners there. "California is too woke. How can you people do anything if you're not asleep at the wheel?" 07/17/2024 "I didn't do it! Honest! Almost the entire commercial internet went down yesterday, and our IT guy Roger is worried. "Not again! I hate jail!" We couldn't calm him down. But ClownStrike, some geek company nobody but Roger ever heard of, said it was Microsoft's incompetence that caused it. Governments, police dispatchers, and airlines were all shut down, thanks to Microsoft's overpaid, incompetent staff who pushed out a secirity patch that made many Windows computers so secure their owners couldn't access them. It also disabled the sound recording app Audacity. No one running BSD, Apple, Unix, Linux, or any other operating system had a problem, unless of course they wanted to ride an airliner or call 911. 07/19/2024 Democrats give up on Democracy Voters, knowing damned full well that President Bite'm is the only one ever to "Kick Trump's ass in an election," as one senator put it, overwhelmingly voted for the presidunce in the primary. But after a minority of congress critters begged him to give up on democracy and guarantee King Donald the Awful will be America's new Putin, Bite'm waved the white flag and threw in the towel like the weak coward King Donald paints him as. On the other hand, President Zelenskyy has yet to give up in his fight against King Donald's best friend and puppetmaster. With King Donald the Bloody in charge, America will be Amerikkka and Ukraine will belong to Russia by the end of the year. 07/21/2024 And the incompetence continues... The ClownStrike fuckup is still raging, with people sleeping in airports, still waiting for flights. Since no one has asked, we will: Is anybody going to go bankrupt over this clusterfuck? The first to come to mind is ClownStrike, who will certainly be sued by the companies it has carelessly cost billions of dollars. Next in line will be Dull?Duh! Airlines, who had more than just tickets tied up with ClownStrike, and the airline that was hit the hardest. Everyone who bought a ticket is certain to sue the airlines; all of them. Boing! gets off scott free, as their careless incompetence that killed hundreds was let off the hook by the feds. Then there's the incompetent head of the Suckret Service, who was hauled in front of Con guess yesterday and refused to answer the cons' questions. She was likely to be impeached, as she pissed everyone off. She left, resigning her job. 07/23/2024 Coverup or fuckup? For the last week or two the mindless stream media have been reporting on a sheriff's deputy who murdered a woman who called the police. The deputy is now waiting in the Menard county jail on five felonies. It didn't make the national news until the body cam of the murder, from his partner's camera since his was shut off, was released. It clearly showed cold-blooded murder. Local TV showed the booking photo of the murderous deputy, complete with death head tattoos on his right arm. The national media cropped the photo to not show the tattoos, and didn't ask why anyone with evil tattoos like that can become a cop? You can't work for Disney if you have any tattoos at all! More damning on the media, they simply said "a small town in Illinois." The "small town" is Southern View, a part of Springfield, Illinois' capitol city! Malice or incompetence? "Hanlon's Razor," which posited "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity" is attributed to Robert J. Hanlon, who submitted the statement to Murphy's Law Book Two. Stupidity? How about incompetence or apathy? It is not known why he's in the Menard county jail rather than Sangamon county, where the murder took place. 07/24/2024 Does the News read the Nooze? After Wednesday's post, above (no nooze yesterday), CBS News, former home of Walter Cronkite who should have also been fitted with magnets after his death, actually mentioned the name Springfield, Illinois. However, it was probably because Governor Pritsked Her spoke about the murder. They never showed the evil signs on the murdering law enforcement officer's arm, they were cropped out. Here is the image, although this one is only similar to the one on his arm. Hate crime? The feds are interested, after all. 07/26/2024 King Donald the slandererererer vows to make America Russian again First, of course, he slandered his opponent, Vice Presidunce Harmus. That's what he has always done. The thirty four time felon called the former federal prosecuter "anti-police." Meanwhile, his vice presidential pick said three years agio that he hated police; it was videorecorded. Then the king said again that he would be America's Putin and destroy democracy. "Christians, get out and vote. Just this time. You won't have to do it any more," obviously ignorantly thinking that Christians are all brainless morons. Vice Presidance Harmless responded "Before I was elected as vice presi-dent, I was a courtroom prosecutor. In those roles, I took on perpetrators of all kinds. Predators who abused women. Fraudsters who ripped off consumers. Cheaters who broke the rules for their own gain. So hear me when I say: I know Donald Trump's type." 07/28/2024 Democrats remember what they're named after Following a day or two of Democrats forgetting that we, the people voted for the Biden-Harris ticket and talking of a fight in the already-settled primary, they quickly came to their senses and backed the vice present dent. It's a new race. The choice is now not an old politician against an old fraudster, it's now a federal prosecutor against a thirty four time felon. 07/29/2024 President Bite'm bites the Supremes, Aretha Franklin uninjured President Brandon tore into the SCROTUM (Supreme Court Reality Of The United Masters), calling for a Constitutional Amendment mandating enforceable ethics laws and term limits for the Supremes, and a statement that the president is never above the law, even in an official capacity. His Vice President (in charge of vice; she's a former federal prosecutor) quickly echoed the old man. Meanwhile, Eloi Musky broke his own damned rules at the X -Twit'er by posting an AI generated video of her trashing the presidunce and her own campaign. The Nazi Musk also called her "the ultimate diversity hire." It is the sort of AI use experts have been warning about, although experts never said anything about the Nazi himself. 07/30/2024 August Share this with your Facebook friends if you're not afraid of Farsebook jail If you use these data for anything serious you are out of your mind. ©2024, all commercial rights reserved. Use for any renumeration, or to train AI, is stricktly forbidden without explicit written permission on paper, and we will sue the shit out of you if you infringe! ---------------------------------------------------- The HOT August Nooze Nooze ←Back to July King Pinocchio The Lion further enrages Black Journalists After the king enraged the Black journalists at a speech to them, it turns out that (gasp! How can it be??) Donald Trump... how shall I put this? Fibbed? No, he lied through his damned teeth when he accused the journalist's association of incompetence and equipment problems as the cause of the delay. The truth was, he was arguing with them about fact-checking. Honest people hate lies and love fact checking. Thieving liars hate fact checks. 08/01/2024 Vice Presidance Harmiss officially declared Dumbocratic presidential candidate It's now official. The thirty four time convicted felon will now face off against former federal prosecutor Kamala Harmhim. Pity the felonious king. 08/03/2024 King Donald the Cowardly felon fears debating Federal Prosecutor Kamala Having already set up a debate on the ABC TV network before the Biden campaign crashed and burned when the king was all ready to debate an even more elderly politician than himself, the thirty four time convicted felon is now saying he won't show up, instead wanting a rigged "debate" on Faux News that the federal peosecutor has not agreed to. What a cowardly wimp the king is. One must pity a "man" with such a weak, if existing, backbone. 08/04/2024 Walzing with Matilda Who? Google it, you snotnosed kid! King Donald the Ancient promised to build walls, and didn't. Illegal immigration is shockingly down (shockingly to the king) under the other old man, President Brandon, despite the king's efforts to make the "woke liberal dems" look bad, what with all the illegal space aliens sneaking in through the Mexican border. Kamala Nominated Walz! Take that, King Donnie! 08/06/2024 Uke rain attacks Rush Yeah Bombs rained on the Rushin' homeland yesterday close to Uke Reign's northeastern border, where things have been pretty peaceful, considering they live by the border of two countries at war with each other. "No fair!" Rushin' President Putitin complained. "The fighting's supposed to be in your country, not ours! Who's invading whom?" He said, uncharacteristically grammitical for a foreigner, since we don't know our own damned language. Huh? Sorry, I... ahem... He then slunk off, still bitching about not ruling the world. 08/08/2024 Jefferson Davis Vance tries to swiftboat The Wall The Nazipublican vice presiduncial non-mommie yesterday accused Dimocratic vice present dance candy date "Wally" Walzz of ducking military service after Waltz had served the military for twenty two years, accusing the two term governor of retiring to avoid service in Ire Rack, despite Governor Walls having retired months before orders to Ire Rack were issued, so he could run for con guess. "Wally knows this guy from ten million years in the future who warned him to retire," Jeff Vance said, not knowing that we were cognizant of what JD stood for. Or what "cognizant" means. 08/09/2024 King Clarence the Cowardly Lyin' decides to debate the federal prosecutor, after all. King Donald the Dim, after saying in effect he was afraid of facing a federal prosecutor after being convicted of thirty four felonies, was apparently goaded into accepting the ABC debate. By whom we have no clue, but the fight is on. 08/09/2024 Correction Wallzie served 24 years in the military, not 22. 08/10/2024 Is Roger in trouble again? He knocked on the boss' door holding a stack of papers... wait, the door wasn't holding the papers, he was. That's not like Roger at all, he does everything on a compuuter. I wasn't sure he knew how to use a pencil. Anyway, twenty minutes later these guys came in looking like movie spies; black suits, sunglasses and all. They left twenty minutes later. Five minutes after that, the boss came out, looking decidedly unwell. "I'm taking the afternoon off," he said. "Hold down the fort." We're not sure what to do. Should we go into the boss' office and look for Roger? They're still arguing. 08/12/2024 Update: Sharon, the intern, was the only one brave enough to go in the boss' office. Then she yelled "come here and help!" We all filed in... he can't fire ALL of us, and there was Roger on the floor. Sharon said "somebody help me get him on the couch. I called 911 already." Just then Roger came to. "What happened? Where am I?" Bertha, an editor, "said you were talking to the boss and these guys in black suits came in and..." "Oh, yeah. That's the last thing I remember. Where are the documents?" "What documents?" "The emails I printed to show the boss. King Donald's Rethuglican party's email account was hacked. I didn't do it!" Just then the phone rang, and I answered it. It was the boss. We finished the conversation and hung up. "Relax, Roger," I said. "Those guys in the suits were feds. They were going to arrest you for hacking the Republican't party's email account, but you passed out as soon as you saw the feds, who looked at the emails, asked a bunch of questions, and left. The boss said they called him and said not to tell anybody, but it was the Iranians who hacked King Donald's account. They're going to talk to Roger, the email was addressed to him." Just then we heard sirens, and Roger passed out agan. The siren was an ambulance for Roger. I hope he's not out long, our computers fuck up a lot. Roger says it's mostly PEBCAK. He wouldn't tell me what that meant. 08/12/2024 Union sues King Donald and Prince Elon for illegal union busting. In a sentimntal billionaire to billionaire talk between King Donald the stupid and Prince Elon the Dim, the king praised the prince for union-busting at Tesla. It's a federal felony. Not that the thirty four time felon gives a rat's ass about the law or the Constitution. Here is the response from the UAW: The UAW has filed federal labor charges against disgraced billionaires Donald Trump and Elon Musk for their illegal attempts to threaten and intimidate workers who stand up for themselves by engaging in protected concerted activity, such as strikes. After significant technical delays on X, formerly known as Twitter, Trump and Musk had a rambling, disorganized conversation on Monday evening in front of over one million listeners in which they advocated for the illegal firing of striking workers. "I mean, I look at what you do," Trump told Musk. "You walk in, you say, You want to quit? They go on strike, I won't mention the name of the company, but they go on strike and you say, That's OK, you're all gone. You're all gone. So, every one of you is gone." Under federal law, workers cannot be fired for going on strike, and threatening to do so is illegal under the National Labor Relations Act. "When we say Donald Trump is a scab, this is what we mean. When we say Trump stands against everything our union stands for, this is what we mean," said UAW President Shawn Fain. "Donald Trump will always side against workers standing up for themselves, and he will always side with billionaires like Elon Musk, who is contributing $45 million a month to a Super PAC to get him elected. Both Trump and Musk want working class people to sit down and shut up, and they laugh about it openly. It's disgusting, illegal, and totally predictable from these two clowns." But what do you expect from a couple of damned Nazis? 08/15/2024 American mainstream media's calculators hacked Roger doesn't need to worry about this one, he's been in the hospital getting a stent for the heart attack the FBI triggered a few days ago. Our computers were unworkable until he came back to work. The boss said he's going to dock him, as well as cheering the king and prince's stance on unions. Europe's DW News in Germany and the BBC in Great Britain report that the Ukranian army has taken 1,000 square kilometers of Russian land. American news says "almost 400 square miles." A kilometer is six tenths of a mile (3/5), a square kilometer is six tenths of a square mile. A thousand kilometers is six hundred miles. A thousand square kilometers is six hundred square miles. Or was it their calculators and not their incompetent math teachers? I suspect rather than multiplying a thousand by six tenths, they divided, although the answer is just a different kind of wrong, that comes out to less than two. Or did the first one to report it pull that number out of their ass and the rest copied it, knowing that the other Americans are just as ignorant, apathetic, and stupid as them? 08/15/2024 King Dumbald's rich kid sense of entitlement shines forth In a campaign speech yesterday where he was supposed to be talking about the economy, he stated that he was "entitled" to attack The Prosecutor because she called him and Jadey Vance "Wierd". Not understanding the difference between fact and fiction, or the meaning of common words, The Dumbald can't inderstand that fewer than one percent of Americans are as rich as him and the wierdo Nazi Elon Musky. Being in a group that comprises less than one percent is the definition of wierd. Being a Nazi in the twenty first century is also wierd. But the fact that he's a Fascist explains why he thinks the centrist Harris is a "far left extremist." 08/16/2024 Meanstream media continues lying about inflation and price gouging From the Washington Post to Fox News, all the meanstorm media outlets continue to deny that price gouging contributes to inflation, A Trumpesque lie that goes against the evidence consumers can see with their own eyes. An example is beer prices in bars in Springfield (choose your favorite Springfield, almost every state has one). As soon as the covid restrictions closing businesses ended, the beer distributors raised the price of a twenty four count case of beer by two dollars. This was before the Ukraine war raised oil prices, before supply chain glitches hit. There was no apparent reason for the price hike. $2 divided by 24 is a little less than nine cents per beer. All of the taverns in town raised the price of a $2.50 beer by half a dollar. Price gouging doesn't cause inflation, it simply lets sellers take advantage of the inflation to enrich themselves, making it worse for normal people and prolonging the inflation. Inflation is a boon to the rich, who will raise prices every chance the market gives them an excuse to. They think we're stupid. Note, the rich own the meanstream media. 08/18/2024 Roger gets out of jail Last Tuesday, just as our computer systems started to get flaky, the Florida Bureau of Investigation burst into the offices with their guns drawn. Odd, since our offices are in Indiana. One of their guns went off. "Oops," the cop said. Luckily, the bullet went through a window. The only injury was to a large bird that was rushed to a vetrenary hospital, a red tailed hawk, similar to the one pictured here doing its impersonation of King Dumbold ducking the bullet that almost blew his head off. They handcuffed Roger and dragged him off. He was released late yesterday afternoon without charge or explanation. Roger said that it looked like the Boss' computer was the first one affected, a trojan e-mail roger called "fishing". We have no idea what fish or Troy has to do with computers. Roger went home to get some sleep. The police laughed when we reported the computer break-in. "That's what you get for saying mean things about rich people," an unnamed officer told Betty "off the record". Betty is an editor. 08/24/2024 Spoiler with a dead worm in his brain supports King Donald the Lyin' Hearted Bobby Pin Kennedy Junior, son of the late Senator who was never on time for anything, yesterday suspended his campaign to spoil President Bite'em's chances for re-election, yesterday announcing that due to his rich suporters suspending cash payments to the also rich Kennedy, he was ending his candidacy and throwing his support behind King Donald the Fraudster. "Well," he said, "the same people who gave me money to spoil Joe's chances to be re-elected are paying the king. And the worm didn't make me say that! Dead worms don't rat on their friends!" He then wandered off aimlessly, talking to himself. In other Nooze, the Dimocrats held their nomination, and nominationed Vice Presid aunt Camera Harris, and the Nooze hired its first Asian writer, ME! Now I have to go wash the boss' clothes... 08/24/2024 Boing!'s incompetence and apathy strands astronauts NASA has discovered that Boing!'s products are worthless junk, and will send the defective Boing! space capsule back to Earth without endangering any astronauts in its dangerous, over budget, late capsule. Boing! says "Hey, it's as safe as our airplanes! Except maybe the two that crashed, and the ones that had parts fall off in flight." Boing! has sentimentally brought back the old aviation adage "any landing that doesn't kill you is a good landing" from the early days of aviation. The astronauts were supposed to be home months ago, and are stuck on the ISS until February, when they will ride a Space-X Nazirocket back. 08/26/2024 King Donald the Felon indicted again A second Grand Jury has said that the king must stand trial for trying to steal the 2020 presidential election. The prosecutors are leaving out any felonies committed in his official duties, only ones he committed as candidate. The Supremes had said that he was not liable for crimes and atrocities committed as part of his official duties, and trying to overthrow the government isn't a presidential duty. In other Royal Flushed Nooze, Trump's staff engaged in a "shouting and pushing match" when the rich, entitled, eighty year old toddler's staff tried to push their way past Arlington Cemetary's staff to photograph parts of the cemetary that are off limits to anyone but cemetary staff. "I'm the fucking KING!" The Donald screamed before shitting his adult diaper, like non-potty trained toddlers often do. The king has repeatedly shown his disrespect, even disgust of military people, especially those who are killed or captured, and the "gold star" families who have lost a child or spouse to the violence of war. The king was a draft dodger furing Vietnam. Fools think him patriotic. 08/28/2024 Greedy billionaires strive to fuck you over even worse Their greed knows no bounds. Their Fascist Project 2025 handbook for the next Fascist president (they're rooting for the king) aims to do away with overtime, By federal statute. The evil scheme entails paying workers bi-weekly or monthly, with overtime being only over 80 hours in a two week period rather than over eight houirs in a single shift. The next Great Depression is coming. The greedy rich guarantee it. As in 1928, when normal people can't afford the overpriced shit the super-rich sell, depression hits. 08/29/2024 Billion dollar food company kills 9, hospitalizes 57 The disgustingly filthy Boar's Head meat factory has poisened hundreds of people, hospitalizing fifty seven and killing nine. Records show dozens of violations for black mold, mildew, cobwebs, insects, the smell of vomit, and poor people. No one was jailed for negligent manslaughter, of course. Federal law forbids incarcerating the rich. No? Then why aren't Boar's Head's CEO and Board of Directors in jail? Why doesn't a SINGLE violation shut a food company down? 08/31/2024 Top of page Share this with your Facebook friends if you're not afraid of Farsebook jail If you use these data for anything serious you are out of your mind. ©2024, all commercial rights reserved. Use for any renumeration, or to train AI, is strictly forbidden without explicit written permission on paper, and we will sue the shit out of you if you infringe! -------------------------------------------- The September Nooze THE UNPRONOUNCEABLE NAME IS Лувсаннамсрайн Оюун-Эрдэнэ